reporting back

It's interesting to me how the approach I'm taking to recovery and growth was informed by a few key conversations I had with a range of different people. Probably those people didn't realize the huge impact they were having on my life. Actually, neither did I, but it was like each of them gave me another piece to fit into the puzzle. There's a definite methodology to my approach and the basic principles came from three key conversations I had. 

These are the truths I drew from the three conversations:

First conversation:

I nurture and protect my anxiety and depression and rumination. I cultivate them. I withdraw. I need to get out and be active, do stuff, occupy myself. I need to cultivate my life. 

Second conversation: 

Intense depression and anxiety are a normal and natural result when you've been abusing alcohol and you stop and when you've come to rely on benzos and you start tapering. It's the real you actually feeling things. Through drinking, you've not only negated your anti-depressant medication, you've driven yourself deep into depression, as well as dehydration and malnourishment affecting your physical health. 

So, all the fear and anxiety and depression - the absolute mental turmoil - is actually a positive thing. It's a brand new me emerging as I go from being dependent on alcohol to not drinking at all and being dependent on Valium to tapering and eventually stopping that as well. 

Third conversation:

This conversation linked the first two and made me realize that I had to change. I had to push and do my daily goals. That was how I would make the change from rumination and withdrawal to engagement and occupation. And this change is not just desirable, it's a matter of survival. 

I've also taken a lot of really good ideas from a couple of YouTube channels - Powers Benzo Coaching and The Lovely Grind. I can't recommend David Powers's and Michael Priebe's YouTube channels highly enough. They're both absolutely brilliant and doing crucial work. I've watched a lot of their videos over and over and over, trying to get their practical message of hope to penetrate my troubled mind, much in the same way that reading and writing affirmations does, by reminding me of the truth. 

As I work my way through this process, I'm starting to feel like I have something to say. I want to have those conversations with people and share those messages like the ones that helped me so much.