I'm starting to feel more of a sense of security than I did. Partly because, so many times, the fears about how things are going to go that my rumination brings up just don't eventuate.
Earlier this year, I looked ahead to the future and it was overwhelming. I didn't know how I could do what I needed to do. But now there's a sense that I can pretty much handle what I need to. Yes, it's challenging at the moment, but I can do this.
That makes a huge difference. As I said, it's partly because my fears don't get realized, but it's also because things work out well. So many things have worked out better than I expected.
All along it's been the same struggle, but my vision of that struggle has become clearer. At one level the struggle is about tapering off Valium, but what it's really about is rumination vs action. It's about me overcoming rumination, anxiety and depression. Defeating fear.
I have to be grateful for the challenges I've been through and I'm still going through because it's only because of them that I have this new life.
I was thinking about this yesterday. Yesterday was one of the harder days. I'm still so bound to rumination. All the fear and anxiety and depression is real and it's hard. At the same time, I have my daily goals and I know that's the way forward. But it seems like the rumination is winning. Sometimes I'm so far from even being able to do a few of my goals and the ones I do, I don't do well. It's like a token effort.
But every day I try. It's true that sometimes I get worn down. Day after day, night after night, week after week, month after month of this struggle and at times it feels like it's never-ending or even getting worse, sometimes reduces me to a state where I think and feel that I can't go on.
But giving up is not something you can proactively do. It's like rumination. There's no substance to it. I'm like, OK, let it be known that I'm giving up. So, I'm in that state of giving up, which does bring a kind of temporary relief - a kind of resolution. You've responded to the situation. But now what?
So, very soon after, I find myself working on my daily goals again.
Getting back to my point...yesterday the rumination was winning and it seemed virtually impossible to do my daily goals, but even in the midst of that dynamic I had the thought that, this must be where I need to be right now. Wherever the 'front' is in the battle between rumination and my goals - however that struggle manifests - that's where I will be.
If, at that point where I am at, it seems like rumination is winning, that's still where I'm going to be. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I realized that it's not such a bad thing that I'm still learning. This new life is new and strange to me, but it's the real me.
The old me is not the real me, even though it's still such a part of me. It's still calling the shots in a lot of ways. But I'm learning, and the new me is permanent.
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