shameless

Lately when I'm thinking about what to write, I think about what I shouldn't write, and that's what I write. 

My friend Alicja always used to say, when you read the Bible, focus on the parts where you feel some kind of resistance. That's where you're going to find meaning, not in the parts that seem natural and easy. 

I've nearly deleted some of the posts I've written on Medium lately because I'll be thinking about it later and I'll suddenly feel a sense of regret or shame about what I've written. 

This is something new for me. It's only been this month - and it's only the third day of the month - that I've written like this, and written against my sense of offending, disappointing people, or letting people down. 

I was right on the verge of deleting two posts I had written, and then, when I went to do it I realized that there was a third post that wasn't OK, and that made me stop and think....maybe I should just leave them. After all, I've already written them. 

I've felt like this before, but I've never been so defiant of my impulse to only write what is acceptable and nice. Years ago I remember I went through a period where I would get 'in the zone' with writing and would write at length about stuff, only to - when I cooled down the next day - feel a burning shame that I had shared something I shouldn't - something very personal. 

Now I've fallen into this practice of writing what I shouldn't. It's driven by practicality. Instead of thinking of things and continually rejecting every idea because I think I 'can't' write that, I'm saying, yes I can, and I will, and it will be my own expression. It's purely just out of a desire to write something. 

And I think my fears are not really well founded. Each of us has our own inner drama and we think that, because it's obvious to us, it's obvious to everyone, but it's not. I think certain things I want to share are problematic because I imagine how those things will affect certain people, but those things won't have the same meaning in their world, as they are reading, to what they do in my world, as I'm writing. 

Worst case scenario is that those people will be offended. But, as much as I don't want to hurt or offend anyone, them being offended is not going to stop me from writing, because it's not the end of the world if someone gets offended. Sometimes it's good to offend people. 

The thing is, I'm so concerned with the niceties of how other people will be affected by what I write, and the people I'm thinking of don't even talk to me and probably aren't interested in what I write. Some people will find what I write interesting and compelling though. They will appreciate what I write as a whole and the dark parts contribute to the message.