tapering

I didn't realize I was an alcoholic because for most of my life I didn't drink much. Then, when I went through a severe episode of depression/ anxiety between 2010 and 2014, I started drinking to help deal with that. 

At first it was really good. It was great to be able to escape. But drinking is bad for your mental health, and so I ended up drinking in a problematic way - drinking to escape from anxiety and depression, and then the alcohol feeds your mental health issues which leads to more drinking, and so on. 

In 2014 I had a breakthrough. I found an antidepressant that really helped. In the mean time, before it kicked in, the doctor prescribed Valium. Once the antidepressant kicked in, I stayed on Valium, which I realize now was a mistake. I also continued to drink regularly which was also a mistake. 

So, for about 8 years I was using Valium and alcohol to cope, and it didn't seem to be a life or death issue. I always went up and down with my dose of valium. I would try to taper and make some progress, but then, when the next crisis happened, I would increase my dose again. 

I got serious about tapering in 2021, and as I lowered my dose, it became very challenging. To cope with the challenge I was drinking. I knew that that wasn't the best, but it didn't seem to be that big a deal. So, I'll drink a bit more. That will help me come off the valium and then once I'm off the valium I can address the alcohol....that's what I thought. 

But alcohol took a hold so hard and so fast. Very soon I was absolutely dependent on drinking all the time. So, I discovered what it's like to be a full-on alcoholic - completely enslaved to it. 

I was like that for 5 or 6 months. Then, on March 15, 2022, I went in to detox and I have been sober ever since. I was in detox for a week. 

I'm still tapering off Valium. It's really difficult. It's so bad that I'm sure there's something else wrong with me because it doesn't make sense that benzo withdrawal can be this bad for this long. 

Anyway, I fight on.