change

I didn't used to think of the issue of withdrawal/ rumination vs active/ engagement, as being that relevant to me. I didn't see it, but it has become one of the defining issues of my life. 

The understanding I have now of this issue grew out of detox and what happened after that. First of all, when I stopped drinking, I was hit by a wave of depression and anxiety, and, from a conversation I had with a social worker, I came to see that challenge as the start of a new life. 

At the same time, I had a conversation with a nurse about how I cultivate and protect my anxiety, and one of the ways I do that is to withdraw and spend time not really doing anything but ruminating. I need to change and be more active - cultivate a worthwhile life rather than my anxiety. 

I didn't really link those two things though. That came later with other challenges. Again, especially through a key conversation I had, I came to understand that the way to get through the struggle I was going through was to structure my time better....in other words, to be more active - to do more. 

I won't explain exactly how, but this was a matter of life and death. I really needed to make this change. When I thought about how I could do it, the answer was clear. For years I have had daily goals - things that I try to do every day. That was the way. That was the change - doing those things. 

Instead of being a list of things that I might do or I try to do, they became essential, and that's how it is now.